The Rock Crawler Humor Section

AllanTerdo

Loves Light Bars
Jan 2, 2018
15
36
Tampa, Florida
Hey, fellas! I've created this thread for us to share a few full-hearted laughs, something to lighten up the day when the going gets rough or you just needed something to pick you up on a gloomy day. Let me start this up with a few shorts:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"
 

AllanTerdo

Loves Light Bars
Jan 2, 2018
15
36
Tampa, Florida
My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder..

And now she's on the news, apparently, she was murdered by one of her patients. Wonder if I ever saw him?
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
106
36
Tampa, FL
A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt & show her thighs to enable the seller to understand her.

This went on for some time. One day she wanted to buy a banana. So She took her husband to the shop.. because her husband speaks Spanish very well.
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
106
36
Tampa, FL
A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and without a word leads the man to the barn. When they get there he says, "You a good salesman? Let me tell you a story. The other day I came out to milk old Bessie. I just got sat down behind her and she kicks me with her back left leg. So I tied it to the stall. Then she kicks me with her back right leg. So I tied that to the stall, too. Then she swats me right in the face with her tail. So I tied a piece of twine to her tail and looped the other end over the rafters.

The salesman gives a puzzled nod, and the farmer continues.

"Then my wife walked into the barn and she sees me standing behind old Bessie. Now, mister... if you can convince my wife I was only trying to MILK that cow I'll buy one of your damn tractors."
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
106
36
Tampa, FL
A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking a joint when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says OMG!!!! DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?'"
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
106
36
Tampa, FL
What does a 9-volt battery and a woman’s arse have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
106
36
Tampa, FL
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him.

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
106
36
Tampa, FL
A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments...

That has left scientists scratching their heads.
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
106
36
Tampa, FL
Three logicians walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Do you all want a drink"?

The first one says, "I don't know." The second one says, "I don't know." And the third one says, "Yes."
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
106
36
Tampa, FL
Went for a job interview for a blacksmith's apprentice...

I was asked, "have you ever shooed a horse before?" I said "no, but I once told a donkey to **** off"
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
106
36
Tampa, FL
I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem...

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
106
36
Tampa, FL
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?"

She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
106
36
Tampa, FL
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."

The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks, Dad," the son says.

The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
 
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