The Rock Crawler Humor Section

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
79
36
Tampa, FL
Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:

1) Get up at 5:00AM every day
2) 90 minutes of cardio
3) Take a cold shower
4) Journal
5) Schedule out your day
6) Dad owns Fortune 500 company
7) Meditate
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
79
36
Tampa, FL
The other day my wife told me some woman at work called her fat.

I told her “Honey, don’t fight with her about it. Just be the bigger person.”

So anyway, now I’m divorced.
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
79
36
Tampa, FL
My uncle bought a piano from Nigeria.

So he brings it home and hires a guy to come tune it. The piano tuner struggles with it and after five minutes says, “Lemme guess... West African piano?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” my uncle responds.

“Well, West African pianos are notoriously hard to tune,” he says, “not like North African pianos, they Tunisia “
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
79
36
Tampa, FL
A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’

After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’

‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’

The following day, the girl says to her mother. ‘Mum, today we measured our chests in class and mine is the largest! Is that because I’m blonde?’

‘No darling, that’s because you’re 18.’
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
79
36
Tampa, FL
They say 1 million monkeys with 1 million keyboards can produce the entire works of Shakespeare...

...Thanks to the internet we now know that's not true
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
79
36
Tampa, FL
A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but remains seated. The Usher becoming impatient with the man, "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the Usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police.

Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "alright buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam" the man moans.

"And where ya from Sam?"

With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "the balcony".
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
79
36
Tampa, FL
Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.

Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?

Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time.
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
79
36
Tampa, FL
A patient runs into a doctor’s surgery yelling out: “I’m shrinking! I’m shrinking! What should I do?”

The doctor replies: “You are just going to have to be a little patient.”
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
79
36
Tampa, FL
An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, "sort it out yourselves."
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
79
36
Tampa, FL
A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink.

A couple of minutes later, he hears a disembodied voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, but there’s no one nearby that could’ve said it.

Confused, he shrugs it off. A few moments later, he hears the same voice, “I like your tie, too.” He quickly looks around. No one is even near him.

He calls the bartender over and nervously explains what just happened. The bartender smiles and points to a bowl of nuts sitting on the bar in front of the man.

“It’s the nuts. They’re complimentary.”
 

FredSteis

Spotter Required
Nov 25, 2020
79
36
Tampa, FL
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”.

The bartender asked the man “What's wrong, why are you so down today?”

The man said, “My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month”. The bartender said, “So what's wrong with that”?

The man said, “Well the month is up tonight”.
 
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